There is this distant place, a vast expanse of dust and rocks, of too hot and too cold, of wind and of resistance. It is a false haven of the “us-s” and a true hell for the “thems”, it’s the in-crowd and the out. It is a divided place. Yet in many ways the place is beautiful, sometimes staggeringly so. Maybe it is only the sense of separation which causes the pain. Maybe the separation is an illusion. She isn’t always sure.
As she thinks about this web of reasons she realizes she hasn’t been there in a very long time. At some point in the past ten years she excused herself from that place. Or maybe she made no excuses at all, but simply stepped outside. That would be more her style. Now-you-see-her, now-you-don’t… Over the years she has learned that nothing is ever worth the struggle, the uphill battle, the “one against the world” bullshit that people make movies about. Save it for the cinema. One of the few truths she accepts is that everything is connected; life is of one web. Knowing that reality, what’s the point in fighting? Wrestling with someone else’s illusion is a waste of precious time. So when she reached that point, she must have simply walked away.
She can’t really remember making that kind of considered decision, but somehow she ended up outside the battle again. It’s more comfortable here. Standing outside looking in, she can barely remember what it was like; it all seems so foreign to her now. Yet, she knows she was there. When the light is just right she can still see the scars, still finger them just beneath the surface of her skin. Though she was told to let the blows roll off of her back, too often she felt them sink in deep, deeper than they could have if she had been stronger. And she knows she left some damage of her own in her wake as well. The thought makes her cringe, her stomach tighten, her mouth dry. Karma, be kind… She never intended to hurt anyone, disappoint them, fail them. The pain she felt herself must have made her somehow blind, numb. It was that half-crazy struggle to keep it all together. That illusion. The illusive dream. Another’s dream, as she lay dying. She sighs, shaking the darkness once again, and figures that must have been when it happened. Like Alice through the looking-glass, she simply walked away.
As she thinks about this web of reasons she realizes she hasn’t been there in a very long time. At some point in the past ten years she excused herself from that place. Or maybe she made no excuses at all, but simply stepped outside. That would be more her style. Now-you-see-her, now-you-don’t… Over the years she has learned that nothing is ever worth the struggle, the uphill battle, the “one against the world” bullshit that people make movies about. Save it for the cinema. One of the few truths she accepts is that everything is connected; life is of one web. Knowing that reality, what’s the point in fighting? Wrestling with someone else’s illusion is a waste of precious time. So when she reached that point, she must have simply walked away.
She can’t really remember making that kind of considered decision, but somehow she ended up outside the battle again. It’s more comfortable here. Standing outside looking in, she can barely remember what it was like; it all seems so foreign to her now. Yet, she knows she was there. When the light is just right she can still see the scars, still finger them just beneath the surface of her skin. Though she was told to let the blows roll off of her back, too often she felt them sink in deep, deeper than they could have if she had been stronger. And she knows she left some damage of her own in her wake as well. The thought makes her cringe, her stomach tighten, her mouth dry. Karma, be kind… She never intended to hurt anyone, disappoint them, fail them. The pain she felt herself must have made her somehow blind, numb. It was that half-crazy struggle to keep it all together. That illusion. The illusive dream. Another’s dream, as she lay dying. She sighs, shaking the darkness once again, and figures that must have been when it happened. Like Alice through the looking-glass, she simply walked away.
1 comment:
Lovely work! Gorgeous and devastating.
Hope you are doing well this summer.
Post a Comment