It's In the Wind...

my heart is missing... I woke again, startled by something unseen, in the early, eerie hours before this dawn. It was gone then too, this restless organ of life and love. I searched for it, and found it at my window, pressed against the cold hard glass, straining to see that which it is certain exists somewhere. I knew then that I would lose it soon, lose my grip, lose the battle... it had ventured too far down this path of its own illusions and my mind no longer held the reins. In the chill of those silent, small moments in the middle of the night I was able to draw it back to me, lured by a nest of blankets and painted dreams, of fairytales and hope... and return to a shaky sleep. My body trembling at the knowing, the realization that something has shifted. Afraid to close my eyes, sensing that by daybreak it would be gone, sheer exhaustion pulled me under.

As the sky began to lighten to a steely shade of blue, I knew... before my eyes could see, my mind understood. I pulled a wrap around my shoulders and padded softly towards the window. I could feel the wind through the walls, could hear it in the trees and at my door. As I stood behind the glass, hardly protected from the icy fingers of the gale outside I caught a glimpse... as tears flowed I watched it go, this broken heart of mine, wandering with its tattered dreams towards some unseen, distant place.

Even with this space growing between my heart and I, I can see its scars, healed over by the hands of time, patience and acceptance. I can see the empty spaces where pieces have been given away, and know that there is no regret for doing so. It is those spaces which give that blessed, beating muscle its capacity for love... the more it has given away through time, the more depth it has found in this life. The freshest scar is not yet healed, the space which held a precious piece left in a land far from here, left there for safe keeping, for rest and to remain untouched. Left by a knight of high order, of dreams and fantasies himself. Left at the edge of trees in a snowscape, silent and serene...

Beside this space there is another, one whose corresponding shard has been freely given, and remains in the hands of that same knight. Perhaps it is this piece that my determined heart seeks to follow, to find the one who holds it, to know if he exists...

There is no sorrow in those spaces, in the memory of love honestly given. The sadness comes from the shadows which surround it. The place where the Other should stand remains empty. It is that which my heart left in search of this night, it is that which it risks everything to find, following some strange and unrelenting force. Following a beckoning that I have not heard, yet it insists has been given. A beacon of light I cannot see, yet it looks towards faithfully. I remain here,steadfast within the blustery banter of wind and building, standing at the window, straining to see through the storm to catch just one ray of the light that is leading my heart away from me.